I'm Losing at this Chess Game Called Life

Of everyone in this world im sure every person over the age of 12 has at least one ex. For myself I have about 6 ex boyfriends but only one of them is still in my heart. Out of these 6 ex boyfriends, only two of them have broken up with me and one of them was in high school when I was a junior. When you're in high school nothing is really "real" so anything that I felt back then I don't believe it. Well there was one exception from high school who I also dated my freshman year in college. But we aren't going to talk about him very much.

My freshman year was when I decided to date around. Out of the six boyfriends I dated three of them were from that year. It started with a guy that I met in my music theory class. we dated for a few weeks and then I realized I didn't really have feelings for this guy anymore and missed my old boyfriend from High school and at the time he still had feelings for me to. We decided to try out long distance. The deal was that he was gonna come visit every other weekend because I didn't have a car here. Well unfortunately he injured his knee and couldn't go anywhere for quite some time. At this time I was supportive and such but then realized that stuff like this could happen at anytime. Then I asked myself, "Can I put up with this my whole college life?" The answer was no. I couldn't deal with it anymore. So I ended things......again. Of course at times I felt like I made the wrong decision but I know that I didn't. I did this for me.


Before we broke up I met someone new who was also from my music theory class. Things weren't exactly normal between me and my other ex from that class so I sat on the other side of the room. That's how I met Rainer. At the time I was still in a relationship with my ex from high school, but things were going down hill pretty quickly and I decided to be friends with Rainer. We hung out and talked almost daily it was a lot of fun and I never felt like this around anyone else. Well one night, I decided that this break up was going to happen now or never. So I had a very long conversation with my soon to be ex and ended things. Later that night, I was typing a paper for class and feeling really super shitty for dumping Ben. Of course (being the responsible college student I am) I was on facebook while typing my paper. Rainer sent me an IM. He asked about my day and acting like such a girl I told him the truth, that is was crappy and I wasn't feeling the best. He replied, well are you busy? At this moment I thought about my options of what I could say. Yes? No? Kind of? Well I went with the "I'm busy, but I have all night to do it" excuse. He simply replied with, "Meet me out front in ten minutes."
When I read that, I had all sorts of knots of excitment and depression in my stomach, and then thought what the hell, why not? I went outside and didn't see him anywhere. He then text me and said he was in the blue car. Once I got in the car he just started driving. I asked him where he was going and he replied" I don't know, anywhere you want to go." I have never done anything like this before, but it was nice and I wasn't about to ruin it. We drove all around Springfield and even got lost a few times. There was one point where we stopped at a fork in the road and he told me to decide where to go. I said I was terrible at making decisions and that he should decide. He then pushed on the gas pedal and said that I was steering so I better make up my mind quickly. I have never had this kind of relationship/ friendship with someone so I knew this was going to be very different. To end the night he drove all the way up to the top of the parking garage. His planned failed epically and he knew it. He was trying to get a beautiful view of Springfield, but when we looked it was foggy, cold, and a little bit rainy. I laughed and told him I appreciated it nonetheless and thanked him for making my day better. He said well that was my goal, so I'm glad i acheived it.
I will never forget that night, even though it was just all out of good fun, I will have to say thats the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I wish things would've worked out between us, but I guess things happen for a reason. I just hope this was a good reason and that Karma isn't just playing stupid games with me. I'm still waiting to meet someone like him.........

The Poho

Almost daily I go to Potters House to do homework or just hang out with close friends. Some may not know what Potters House is because you either aren't a good friend of mine or you just don't live in Springfield. For those who don't know, Potters House is a christian coffee house across the street from my residence hall. Getting back on topic, when I go to Potters, otherwise known as Poho, I meet some pretty interesting people but tonight was a whole new kind of interesting.
His name should remain secret because who knows what gets around on the Internet. It started right after I sat down on the couch with my suite mate Erin. He just came out of nowhere and the first thing he said to me as" Do you like this necklace?" My mother taught me manners, so I replied, "Yeah". He then asked me, "Would you like to buy it?" These thoughts went through my head: Why is a guy selling a necklace that he's wearing? Why is he wearing that necklace? I wonder if he does this very often? Well little did I know, all these questions were going to be answered very shortly. Now I'm not gonna say everything that was discussed because it would be an incredibly long blog post.
He starts the conversation off by asking Erin and I if we wanted to buy a necklace from him. To this very second I still don't know how much they are, I was too scared to ask (I'm not that polite). Then a close friend to ours named Jacob came and sat down next to us. Apparently the two guys have met before because the guy started talking to Jacob like they were old friends. He said something about being new to Missouri but was from Louisiana. The only reason he moved to Springfield was to work. He commented on how he just gotten a new job at Little Caesars and was "super pumped" because he got to hold a sign and break dance. According to his "manager" he's never seen anyone make pizzas so fast and was way ahead of his daily quota. You think that's interesting, just wait until you find out how he impresses women.
In Louisiana the way you impress women is to have a big truck, literally, with four different sized tires to drive to Sonic. Then you drive four, i repeat, four circles around the entire parking lot (no more and no less) and rev your engine really loudly. This also pisses off the older people he says. In my mind this sounded like a bizarre mating ritual like something from the Discovery channel. Coincidentally, Erin was thinking the same thing. He then proceeded to tell us that no matter where he goes in Louisiana he HAS to have his boots and dip. Without these key essentials he would not be wanted by anyone or anything.

One of my favorite conversations we had was this one:

"So Jacob, remember those three girls I told you about last time?"

"Yes"

"Well one of them is constantly talking to me and always hangin' round me. She just always wants to be near me. Well anyways, last night we talked 'bout dating but she's taller than me and I ain't never dated anyone taller than me."

This is the part where Erin and I started making faces to each other. Unfortunately he noticed and begins to explain himself.

"Well ladies, I guess that just means that I don't date much, or.........I'm just really into underage girls. Speakin' of underage girls, I went up to some 14 year old at the mall and tried to sell her a necklace. She wouldn't buy it though."

At this point in the conversation he looks at me and then asks:

"Hey I'll give you this necklace that I have in my pocket if you give me the rest of that drink?!?"

Can anyone say ADD? It seriously got to the point that Erin nor I knew how to handle this guy. Jacob told us the first thing he said to him was "Man, last night I had a wicked threesome!" I just about died inside when I heard this erotic conversation. Because let's be honest, who doesn't love to talk about sex?!?

For what it's worth, I look forward to my future Poho trips.

Oh, by the way, I learned what a nutria is today. He shoots them out of swamps a lot. Do you now understand how random this guy is? I hope so.

Stupid Valentines Day

I'm so freaking fustrated I hate this day and just about everything that happened. Friends. Loneliness. Crying Baby (dont get me wrong i LOVE my nephew, but you can only handle so much). Future loss of family. Plans failing. Being ditched. Shitty Weather. Studying. Stupid friends that are mad about stupid things. I hate being alone. I will never admit that in person. JUST UGH!


Ok...i'm done now.
I HAD to just get this off my shoulders.
I feel slighly better now.

Forgive and Forget

Not once have I ever really had a role model other than my sister. I, personally, didn't know anyone who I really idolized. Today was an emotional roller coaster. There were ups and downs. Wrongs and Rights. And it all ended a lot better than I ever thought it would.

But after everything that happened, through the heated arguments, almost loss of friendships, and tears, I have found not only does she make a wonderful idol, but a trustworthy friend. It absolutely amazes me how we could go through such a rough patch and then continue to hang out like nothing had ever happened. To forgive and forget. I never thought it would be possible to actually do that. I know that if the sides were flipped, yes I would always forgive them, but to not to judge them in the back of mind would take some practice. Her personality is just riveting and she is constantly looking for the good in people and trusting them even when she knows in the back of her mind that she really shouldn't. It takes a true friend to step up and say, "Hey this ridiculousness HAS to stop. Pull yourself together and let's talk. Clear the air. Start over." Thank you JJ for your great advice and friendship. I hope someday I can have the same impact on someone as you do in me.

Dedicated to Jamila Wright

Hey, Soul Sister Where's Your Mr. Mr.?

So I will admit I have been seeing a lot of my friends from High School getting blogs and such. And it seems like my parents are everywhere. This will be the one place that they won't be.
I would first like to thank Ravi Patel. He inspired me to start my own blog. Hopefully I can keep up with it.

Well today I learned things from a guys point of view. I have learned that guys really aren't the problem, it's us girls. This whole time I've gotten it wrong. Girls always say that guys cheat and they are jerks and just wanna have sex. THIS IS NOT TRUE! Ok yeah, maybe for some guys, but as of tonight, I have talked to five, yes five, different guys and I have gotten the same answer from all of them. Anytime they have been slightly interested in a girl, the girl ends it because she is just "having fun" right now. I hate how girls make up excuses and lie through their teeth to men. It's just not fair to them, nor us. We think we are so clever the first time lying it makes you think you can get away with it a second or third or even sixth time. It HAS to stop. Now I'm not saying that I am this type of girl because I'm most definitely not! It just happened to come up in conversations tonight.
I'm not going to lie I was completely shocked and amazed by the information I learned tonight. Guys want a long relationship(not ALL guys). Most of them just keep it private so they don't freak anyone out. Which was another thing that I questioned, isn't that what a lot of girls do to?
People wake up and smell the coffee! Do you want be alone the rest of your life, or sleeping with whoever you can get your hands on?!?!!? Do you really wanna be 40 and single. I know I don't. So men, step it up a notch, tell the woman what you want (although I don't recommend this discussion on a first date or second)! Girls, dress like you want to find a man, not a man-whore. Sometimes it just looks like you're asking to get raped or hit on by some creeper. Just remember when you dress slutty, there are consequences. You're not always gonna get the hot jock. Which for the record, are not my type at all.

Think about it.